Hold the mayo please…

OK, this isn’t going to be a long, pseudo-intellectual breakdown of whatever band I happen to like or today’s real contributions to the current boring, stale musical landscape.  Today, I wanna discuss….wait for it…..condiments!!!  Whether you are chomping at your favorite fast-food joint during your lunch break, or acting like you are listening to your spouse as you are really watching the game or hot girl directly behind your spouse at a nice sit-down kinda place, the various sauces, salsas, dressings and drizzles are what makes the meal (unless it’s just a great steak-curses on those that put crap on a choice cut of USDA).  Below are what I have deemed the elite of the ranks of restaurant condiments:

5.  Long John Silver’s - Malted Vinegar:  This gets high marks thanks to the way it transforms a plain-Jane food item (fries, fried fish fillet, etc..) into a new, bittersweet, morsel that almost hurts (when given a severe dousing) but doesn’t cuz it’s so right it can’t be wrong.  This tangy wine might have been higher if regular, non-LJS brands of it weren’t readily available at your local grocery store.

4.  Whataburger - Fancy Ketchup:  This shares the general traits, both for and against, that the LJS Vinegar possesses. The velvety paste can transport a french fry into another dimension and make folks like me who typically do not imbibe in the tomatoey residual, wonder why they have chosen such a monastic, minimalistic route for their fine-fried starchy friends.  On the flip-side, you can find ketchup pretty much anywhere, providing a suitable substitute if in fact, the drive-thru operator forgets to shove a few packets into your hastily prepared bag.

3. Papa Johns Pizza – Garlic Butter Sauce:  Ok, no one said this list would be healthy or wouldn’t clog a ton of arteries.  The feature that places this greasy elixir into the top 3 is…decadence.  When you are eating a Papa J’s pie, it is literally making your heart work harder than it has since the last time you ate one (or last time you chose to eat an entire stick of butter by itself for fun). If you are going to go through that type of cardio-trauma anyways, this sauce gives you the knock-out punch that you are clearly trying to administer to yourself.  Also, I love a condiment that combines two of my great culinary loves without actually containing a significant amount of either item it claims to combine (garlic and butter).

2.  Chick-Fil-A – Honey Mustard: When you walk to the counter at Chick-Fil-A with your tray of nuggets and Sweet Tea, you had better already have the real Honey Mustard on there.  The “Honey Dijon” that you can get with all the other weak, under-age packets of paste is not only fat-free, but unworthy to reside on this distinguished list.  The real-deal, thick-as-glue Honey Mustard has the potency of alcohol, as evidenced by the fact that you can only get it from the cashier from behind the counter, ya know, like a fifth of Jack.  “I’ll have a #1 with cheese, sweet-tea and the 80 proof…for here, I’m driving”

1.  Arby’s – Arby’s Sauce:  When a condiment can’t be named by simply listing the ingredients, or telling what its supposed to taste like, it creates its own line on the restaurants managers order list.  Smokey.  Sweet.  Barbecuey (new word alert!).  Tart.  Tasting a mound of mediocre roast beef slathered in this witch’s brew of intrigue makes me want to run home and combine the seldom used contents of all the old, expired bottles of sauce, paste, powder and seasoning in order to hopefully concoct an enigmatic sauce that can only be named “Kelly’s Sauce.”  You can have your various Halls & Walks of Fame, your Emmy’s & Oscar’s, your Barbara Walter’s Most Exciting People List (they never are, but that’s a different story).  Have them all, I want to have my own sauce!!!